From Now Into The Future

Six months ago I’d never have believed I’d be able to write these words: I’m no longer sick, and I’m getting better.

I’ve written three different versions of this post over the course of about six weeks. One of those was a four thousand word virtual door-stopper of a post that still felt like it barely scratched the surface of the past few years. I agonised over the details, about how to word things, what to include, what not to include, how to contextualise the years of being trapped in my own mind. I struggled to figure out how best to explain exactly what the recent years have been like in a way that wasn’t open for misinterpretation.

Until I realised that’s not what’s important.

I was sick. I was sick for much longer – years longer – than I realised. I was sick, but now I’m not. I was told I had one problem, only to figure out I had another. One that was actually fixable. So I fixed it.

I wasn’t able to work the way I should have been able to. Wasn’t able to create. Towards the end, I wasn’t able to work at all. I gave up on so much, slowly, one thing at a time, until I barely had anything left. But it’s all rushing back. I feel like a person again. I feel like myself again.

And that’s what’s important.

Even though I’m still weak, and it’s going to take time to claw my way back to normal, I get to be me again. I couldn’t live a life before, but now I can. I can go out and do things again. I get to make music and write like I always wanted to. Like I feel like I’m supposed to. All I thought I could never do, I can work towards again. It’s an amazing feeling.

Happy new year, everyone. This is the year we all reach our dreams. Work hard, and be fantastic. We’re all gonna make it.